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Jordanth
01-12-2010, 06:36 PM
Just thought I'd get an opinion from a few people if possible on a little bit I wrote for a book that's pretty much done right now. It's Fantasy/Adventure genre, so logically I thought of you guys to be the best critics. As it stands I've got 477 pages of completed text in word. Let me know what you think. Oh, and if for some reason somebody knows of a publisher that will accept unsolicited works, let me know on that too =)


"Excerpt"

Kacity placed her free hand on her forehead in annoyance, but recomposed herself quickly and continued, “Well then, I suppose I’d better fill you in a little on who Naebahzh was… This demon of sorts was only the foulest humanlike creature to ever walk this earth, better yet, any plane of existence. His appearance greatly deceived his power. He often looked withered and at times frail, though it was no withering of age but rather of experience and wisdom, as though he had seen far too many battles and wars. As a matter of fact he had. It is also said that his skin was darkened by a bluish grey hue just beyond the shade of normal color. To add to the discoloration, it was mottled and splotchy, giving him the appearance of a corpse not long into decomposition. By mortal standards he was one of the walking dead, often times appearing as though he might blow into dust with the slightest breeze. Despite a weakened appearance, his gaze, dark and malevolent, told that he had seen or perhaps even challenged the likes of deities and demons. Staring within these glowing violet eyes gave warning to all that madness, chaos, and death were his most prized companions. It was easy to see that he was the perfect leader.
Power hungry though he was, Naebahzh was deeply respected by his followers, whether respect for his power or out of fear, he was without doubt one of the strongest magical beings of his time. He grew strong enough that he even created his own manipulations of the elements that the Mystics use, but the way they are used is a black magic that neither I nor anyone but he knows of.

©® Jordan K.

Avyendha
01-12-2010, 11:07 PM
Sounds good. Would like to read more.

Namao
01-13-2010, 01:25 AM
More please ... you've got me hooked!

Jordanth
01-14-2010, 03:12 AM
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Jordanth
02-15-2010, 03:19 PM
Different story, this one called new beginnings. Need honest opinions from any I can get. Be brutal! This is the prologue to a new story I'm writing. Only 10 pages done so far, this is only three of them. Work in progress.:working:

Wind cold as the icy grip of death blew through an open window of the abandoned cottage on the far side of Tavrin’s Grove. The mossy curtains within rippled gently, too heavy to yield any other kind of movement from the light breeze. Stacks of paper on a writing desk in the corner shifted uncomfortably in the disturbance and floated to the ground with a slight hiss when they scraped the wood floor. A lone chair sat forgotten at an empty table where only a single vase of stagnant water rested, unphased by the elements. Barely a sound was present anywhere among the cottage and not a soul dared disturb the deathly peace. Night was darker than ever before.
A split second of tension filled the air and then in the blink of an eye, the cottage combusted like a supernova. A plume of black smoke and flame expanded rapidly into the night sky, climbing upward at a staggering rate of speed. The flame gave off little to no light at all, but it was hot enough to liquefy steel in an instant.
At this point, only two figures stood for miles around, one with its back to the destroyed heap of cottage and the other facing him, both advancing on the place where it had stood one minute ago. Such a blast might have frightened a civilian, but between these two men, fear was not an option.
“WHERE IS SHE?” the man advancing forward bellowed deeply, rage exploding from his diaphragm like a volcano.
“If you kill me you will never find her,” the second figure almost laughed, “Weaknesses are so…fun, aren’t they?”
Silence filled the burnt air between them as the second figure turned his back to the first and looked upon the little that remained of the house at his feet.
“This could have been you if I had chosen it to be. You really should be more careful with your tongue!”
The final word was slashed with bitter distaste.
“And you will lose yours when my blade makes its way upward into your skull, Kedavre.”
Kedavre ignored the threat. A small singed doll at his feet was keeping his attention and an idea was beginning to formulate within his head.
The man, however, wasted little time when he realized Kedavre wasn’t listening. He charged forward in an enraged fury and spun to gain momentum as he aimed right for his target’s neck.
Kedavre was ready, and faster than lightning.
He turned on the man, eyes glowing like red hot embers, and stared pointedly right into the eyes of his opponent. The man faltered minimally, yet continued his slash to find it meet solid resistance a good two feet short of doing any harm.
“Stupidity! That fool move you just made condemned her to death, and I promise you it will not be a pleasant one either.”
Something inside the man snapped, no it burst with ten times the force behind the explosion of the cottage.
A sound of sheer, uncontrollable hatred flared into the man’s voice and he let forth a yell that resounded like thunder through the air, nearly toppling Kedavre where he stood.
The man drew his sword from whatever invisible force had caught it and swung it back around to the opposite side of Kedavre, driving it with incredible force toward the man’s neck where it stopped with about half an inch of the edge biting into flesh.
Kedavre recoiled in pain, shocked and disgusted that this human was able to drive his sword through an impenetrable shield of magic. He pulled his hand from the wound in disbelief to find a dark, hot liquid dripping from his fingertips.
“How?” he yelled at the man, unable to comprehend his failures.
Suddenly something caught Kedavre’s eye that he hadn’t realized was there before. It was impossible to miss the blade that the man held ready in front of him, and even more impossible to miss the fact that it was now engulfed and dripping an incredibly silvery shade of emerald green fire. The man didn’t even realize what he was holding and clearly he wasn’t going to because the same color fire from the sword was also glowing in two large serpentine eyes, completely not human as they’d been before.
Surprise mastered him for only seconds before he realized that the man stood there with an almost blank stare fixated in his eyes. It took what felt like agonizingly long minutes for the man to finally move, and when he did, it was in an amazing display of agile spins and twists with the sword far beyond the physical capabilities of any human he’d ever come upon. But before he’d composed himself, Kedavre had noticed a peculiar, confused look in the man’s face. It almost looked like he was waiting for a command.
The incredible amount of energy and power flowing through the man’s being was unbelievable. Nobody, with exception to Kedavre himself, could even manage to possess a true magical ability. And even though admitting it was more than he could muster, the truth was that the man was actually a formidable threat.
Then again, he thought darkly, perhaps with time he could become a valuable ally. Power such as this must be harnessed and controlled.
The man suddenly stepped forward awkwardly, clearly making an attempt to intimidate him. To his disgust, it did.
“Fine,” Kedavre yelled, fury of his own wariness barely contained, “She lives… for now.”
Saying no more, Kedavre dared turn his back on the man, and then vanished into the night.
***

Avyendha
02-15-2010, 04:27 PM
Enough already. Darn it. I want to read the stories. I don't like being teased.

Avy

Namao
02-16-2010, 04:09 AM
LOL I'm with you Avy!

Araden
02-24-2010, 02:02 AM
I have around 1500 books in my library I've collected over the last 20 years.

I'd love to have the opportunity to read what you've written and offer editing advice but I'm going on vacation next week and when I get back I'll be packing for a 1200 mile move (and taking a month LoA from EQ or so). It's gonna be a bit before I really have time to try to do any editing vs simply reading something.

As for publishers, you need to send unsolicited works to each publisher you can find. That's how nearly all published authors get their start from what I've read. (I've also read from same authors that staying published is much harder than getting published in the first place)

Good luck, and if you do send me something I'll email it to my kindle and read it as I'm able to, and offer any constructive criticisms I can when I can.

My email is cryo_dog@yahoo.com


Steve AKA Araden

Jordanth
03-08-2010, 09:05 PM
So far this book I'm working on now has 66 completed pages since I started it Feburary 12th. I hope to be done with it sometime in mid june. From there submissions will begin. I just hate how some publishers I've seen say that it could be 9-12 months before you get a reply. Busy people lol.

*Update 3/8- 66 pages
**Update 3/12 95 pages
***Update 3/20 130 pages

Jordanth
03-28-2010, 01:53 AM
Here are a couple seperate bits from the book, need some honest opinions if possible? May not be the best place to put this stuff, but public opinion matters.

"Dawn rolled through the cracks in the curtains, spilling rays of warm sunshine onto the bed where Ryland lay peacefully sleeping. The sun, nearly an hour above the horizon, shone warmly on the blankets, but the air today held an uncharacteristically cold bite to it as though winter was coming back for a second round. Ryland woke up shivering under the thin sheet and found that all the blankets had somehow rolled over and wrapped themselves around Cayda. He grinned at the bundle next to him, deciding it was a good time to get up and begin the day.
Peering over at the balcony he found the source of cold air coming in from one of the doors that had blown open sometime in the night. He closed the door and latched it, placing a chair in front of it to make sure that it did not come undone again. He walked lazily to the fire place and tossed a few logs in, soon dousing them in oil from a can sitting a couple feet to the left of the small log pile. A few sparks later the fire erupted to life and sent out an intense wave of heat that engulfed Ryland’s entire body. He sighed contently when it hit him, closing his eyes and thoroughly enjoying the lapse of cold."
~~~~~~~~~~
"Upon entering, he’d glanced to the right and noticed a vibrant glow of red-orange light reflecting off something near the window sill. A double take revealed a beautiful red headed youth attempting to shove a book up on one of the higher shelves and not having much success with it. She was not very tall, maybe five and a half feet at best.
Ryland had found himself walking over to her to help her despite it being only a minor trouble. The last thing he recalled was staring curiously at her fiery, mahogany locks. Hair that color was extremely uncommon around the city. But once she had turned to look nervously up at him, all else instantly vanished from reality. The only things in existence were a pair of endless dark brown eyes, staring straight at his. That was all it took."

Avyendha
03-28-2010, 01:49 PM
Some honest opinion here. I like your style of writing. It flows well and it is easy to read. I like it when I can easily imagine the scene around the characters without the author writing every little detail and you handle that quite nicely. I really would like to read the whole story. Its had to get a good sense of character development without more to go on.